Men’s behavior has always been a puzzle to women, and in this talk, relationship expert Mathew Hussey spills the beans about what men really think when they really want a fuq.
When a friend of mine asked me if I wanted to go to a seminar called ‘get the guy: secrets of sexual attraction’ with her, I was immediately intrigued as this seemed to be something straight out of a Hollywood movie script, belonging to a class of movies such as Hitch or Roxanne where a dorky guy gets together with dream gal after being coached by a significantly more experienced male counterpart. Having been single for longer than I’d like to admit and not exactly fighting off men in droves, I thought it would be an interesting experience-even if I didn’t exactly turn into an Angelina Jolie-type man-magnet overnight.
What Men Think
Expecting to see a roomful of spinster-type women, I was surprised when I was met with a group of attractive women ranging from their mid-twenties the to late fifties. As the man running the seminar, Mathew Hussey, AKA bona fide alpha male, walked in, you could literally feel the room coo with approval. A six-pack clearly visible beneath an un-tucked white shirt buttoned about two-thirds of the way up, with sleeves, rolled up, and confidence seeping out of every step he took, there were no guesses as to why he was a renowned coach on sexual attraction!
After opening his talk by quite rightfully pointing out that the mishmash of dating advice available only served to further confuse people, Mathew, carried on to say, “I can’t get inside your head, I don’t know what you’re thinking, but I know what guys are thinking. I don’t know everything there is to know about love and relationships but I’ve seen the same patterns again and again.”
His humility and sincerity made the women in the room open up to him, and during the course of the next 3 hours, women poured out their stories of heartache and woe. ‘Is it true that once men leave you, they change forever and will never come back to you,’ ‘Why is it that no man wants to commit to me,’ ‘Why do I always attract needy men?’ ‘Why is it that after a couple of months of dating, this guy who I thought was really perfect for me just disappeared off the face of the earth?’ These were the kinds of questions that drift through every woman’s mind when her confidence is at an ebb, and each comment resonated deeply with every woman’s own experiences so that over the course of the evening, the room was united by the perceived injustices wrought on them by the opposite sex.
The Love Doctor
According to Mathew, it’s all about the associations that you make with someone. So for the distraught woman who wanted to get back with her ex, there was still hope, as a certain type of look from her might trigger the same emotions that were evoked when she first looked at him that way, and make him want to come back to her. There was no such thing as someone who ‘would’ or who ‘wouldn’t’ commit—it was just about the amount and type of leverage applied. To another woman who frequently got chatted up in the streets but was never actually asked out, he said that she was just ‘too nice.’ And to a third woman who described in minute detail about what amounted to one date over the course of 3 weeks with a friend she had known for years, but who she had only recently become attracted to, he paused before saying with a hint of a smile, ‘you’re overanalyzing.’
Fact or Myth?
Mathew poured cold water on the age-old perception that men go for women who seem cold and aloof pointing out good-humouredly, ‘So you act cold, ignore him for the whole evening and have fu&k off written on your forehead, and you expect the guy to say ‘wow—she’s hot!’ He emphasized that guys were just as prone to fears of rejection as women and that they were under even more pressure as they were the ones expected to make the first move, especially good looking men as they were always expected to succeed. To facilitate this process, he said that women would be wise to employ the ‘drop the handkerchief method’ whereby they make it easier for the guy to make the move by giving out signals such as a smile, or decreasing the proximity that a guy has to make to reach her, or if all else fails – ask the guy for a favor!! Puffing out his chest, Mathew said that all men like to rescue a damsel in distress, and asking for a favor—even one as small as reaching for a bag of potatoes in a supermarket— triggers the ‘provide and protect’ instinct. For those men who were attracted to aloof, hard to get women, he said that it was like a cat with a ball of string and once the string fell, the cat would lose interest and walk away and was that the kind of guy we wanted?
The top tip of the evening for me was, what to do if your guy flirted with other women in front of you. Contrary to the tears and tantrums women usually throw which served as a kind of reward for bad behavior, the key was to speak in about ‘standards’ of behavior and set firm boundaries about what you will and won’t tolerate in a relationship.
All in all, it was a really enjoyable evening full of humor, fun, and goodwill, and though I remain a bit skeptical about standing in the middle of a coffee shop and asking a man to help me choose a muffin, I would definitely consider talking about ‘standards of behavior’ to get a guy to hang out the laundry for me!